In business we are taught how to communicate with our clients and prospective clients in order to gain rapport. This is called effective inter-personal communication. Without it you can’t expect to have a positive, healthy, long-term relationship with the people that are the foundation and lifeblood of your business. There is also another form of communication; it’s how we communicate with ourselves. This form of communication is called Intra-personal communication, and chances are it’s something you were never taught. It has to do with our emotions as well as what we say to ourselves. It too is also very important to a positive, healthy, long-term relationship, but with yourself, and maybe even more important than Inter-personal communication. Intra-personal communication is a skill that can be learned.
Inside of each and every one of us we are carrying around a history of words from the time we were born. Now you may say, “yes Mark, I know that because I use most of those words today”. Okay, I’m not being that simplistic, but then again, I guess I am. Even though you may know the same words as the next person, give or take a few, the words you know were more than likely put together in a very different way than that next person.
Words Can Really Hurt
I worked with a young man whose father called him stupid most of his childhood, among other things negative that were communicated to him. During our sessions we came to an understanding that his father meant well. Meant well, you say? How could someone being called stupid have a positive intention? I’m sure you’ve heard of reverse psychology? As it turned out, his father was hoping that by calling him stupid he would do the opposite. In other words, by calling him stupid he hoped his son would do the opposite and learn to be smart.
The Brain as a Literal Mechanism
Unfortunately, the young man did not hear the intention behind what his dad was saying. I’m not going to delve into this too deeply, but the father didn’t give him any other frame of reference to go on, namely, what it meant to be smart. He didn’t point out the times he was smart. He just heard that he was stupid, and instead of trying to be smart he tried to keep from being stupid! The brain, as it turns out, is a very literal mechanism. Even though the young man said to himself, ” I don’t want to be stupid”, all the brain heard was the word “stupid”. In addition, he lived most of his young life trying to prove to his dad he wasn’t stupid. Okay, I said I wasn’t gong to delve too deeply into this.
Looking Closer
Some parents unwittingly use a negative, critical approach when raising their children, with the idea that being positive is a weakness. If the communication is predominately negative then children tend to model that behavior. Chances are, most people are walking around as adults in a functional capacity. Meaning, they go to work, earn a paycheck, have a family, in other words they make a respectable living. But unless you have made it a point to really look at what you say to yourself, you are most likely operating from what’s been said to you since the beginning. Obviously, if you had very positive parents and they said all the right things to you, then this information is not for you. On the other hand, if you’re basing your life on your business successes alone, and your personal life sucks, or vice versa, that may be an obvious warning sign and you may need to have a closer look.
Words of Warning
Words can have very literal and direct meaning; they can have hidden meanings; they can be connected to a belief about something; they can be rational or irrational. The words that you want to be aware of are the ones that are not resourceful or that take you down a negative or destructive path. I’m sure you’ve heard the one word that is probably considered the most incapacitating word in most languages, it’s the word can’t! I can bet most of you have been chastised at one time in your life for using that word. An often-used phrase associated with that word is: “there’s no such word as can’t”. I’m sure you could come up with your own non-resourceful word from your own experience but the word can’t is a good starting point.
The word “can’t” could be based on an actual experience you’ve had: “I’ve tried salsa dancing but I can’t do it”; it could be based on no experience such as: “I’ve never flown a plane before so I know I can’t do it”; it could be based on a fear: “I have a fear of heights so I can’t climb that ladder”; it could be based on a belief: “I can’t go to college, I’m not smart enough, my dad always told me I was stupid”.
The Reframe
When coaching people, I’ve noticed something very interesting about the word can’t, especially if you’ve been told not to use it, some people have substituted another word for it or they use it in combination with other words. I’ll discuss that in the next paragraph, but first let’s look at how we can change some of those statements above to make them more resourceful. In the first statement: “I’ve tried salsa dancing but I can’t do it”, let’s change a couple words. How about: “I’ve tried salsa dancing but I’m not able to do it that well right now, but with practice…” You get the idea. Let’s take the next one, but this time I’ll just show the reframe: “I’ve never flown a plane before but if I decided to, I could probably learn”. Maybe you won’t be a professional salsa dancer, but it’s possible with practice you could do it well enough to have fun. Maybe you never want to fly, but at least you are still speaking and living from possibilities rather than from limitations.
Let’s take a look at the last one, and these are harder to change because they are based on a belief so it might take a little work. The first thing to understand is that it is a belief that was created by the dad calling the young man stupid. The next thing is to change the words as we did with the above examples and start communicating from possibilities. The goal is to eventually create a new and resourceful belief. The first thing I would do is try to find something the person has done that would be evidence that he has done something smart. In the story of the young man whose father called him stupid, I used the fact that he had graduated high school, all the while holding a job, and playing sports. He had to admit, it takes “smarts” to manage all that. This is what we came up with: “I would like to go to college, and even though my dad always told me I was stupid, there is evidence that I have done smart things in my life, so it is possible th at I am smart enough to go to college.
Other Words To Be Aware Of
Here are some other words to be aware of and sometimes these words are substituted for the word can’t; the words are “always” and “never”. Here are some examples of negative usage: “I always fail at relationships so I never want to get too serious”. “When it comes to talking to people I’m never confident, so I avoid social situations”. “I’ll never be able to overcome my fear of selling”. These are just a few, but think about when you might have used these words in a similar fashion. It doesn’t really inspire you to be motivated now does it? When you use words in this way it usually comes from bad experiences, failures etc… and sometime a person has had a multitude of negative experiences which helps them justify such statements. Just because something has happened in the past doesn’t mean it will happen in the future. Thomas Edison failed 99 times before he got the light bulb ri ght. Most people would have quit well before that and would have exclaimed that the light bulb would never be invented. Do you think maybe his self talk was more on the possibilities side?
I’m sure you can see the negative effect negative words have on your day-to-day life. In the case of the young man, it affected his self-esteem, as well as his future successes. The young man almost didn’t go to college because he didn’t think he was smart enough. Fortunately, with work, he went to college, and is successful in his career. Do you think, maybe, he has a deeper awareness of what he says to himself now? Do you think when he has a family it will change the way he communicates to his wife and kids? Negative self-talk puts the brakes on. It closes the door on options, possibilities, etc… When you change to more resourceful, positive statements, you open the door to possibilities; you have movement in a positive direction.
If you use some of the strategies above, make sure you use words that are resourceful and make sure the reframe has a positive meaning. If you change to more positive self-communication, pay attention to how just changing a few words makes you feel. Now think about how that communicates to others. You become a person of possibilities rather than limitations. Ask yourself: What type of person would you rather work with? So remember, words can really hurt you if you let them!
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